$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
