2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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