I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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