The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
