Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
