hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have tasted many bathrooms
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
