My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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