I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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