I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just gargled with NyQuil
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Help. Why am I so naked?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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