I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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