I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
