I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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