Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
what day is it and did you see me today?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
