i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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