I hate all girls vehemently.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
