My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
