I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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