I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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