Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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