I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize