matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
