Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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