put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
