I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
