i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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