i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
