his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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