just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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