Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
