she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Randomize
