My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
