No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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