Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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