Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
organizing the empties. That sober.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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