If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
