forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize