I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Randomize
