life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
