Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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