textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
