I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
