I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I need moral support for this bender
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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