i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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