I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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