Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
