I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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