my phone needs a breathalizer
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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