Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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