Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
