Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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