the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
