so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
