Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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