Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize