good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
