My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
