Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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